it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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