I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
