Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
