hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
