You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize
