You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
