My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
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