I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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