He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
