Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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