You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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