i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
