Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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