My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
