I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Randomize
