Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
He called his prostate his "boner button".
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I love you. Go after that dick
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
