were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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