While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
