ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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