Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
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I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
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Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
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