Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
