God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
