I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
