I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
