why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
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Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
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whose parrot is this?
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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