i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
