The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
