Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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