I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
