Im at strip club and am horny
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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