he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
