you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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