As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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