Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Too much gin, very little bucket
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
