Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
