By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
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I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
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So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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