i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Randomize
