seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
