i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
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