Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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