She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
