I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
