hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
two words: eviction party
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Randomize
