i wish my penis had a tongue
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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