I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Randomize
