I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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