If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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