She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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