Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
