My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Randomize
