At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I'm always down for nudity.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
