im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
