i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
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