guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Randomize
