White coat. Heels.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
