im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
